My soul constantly condemns me. The devil takes great joy in this and will do anything at all he can to help this along. I receive great piercings all the day long from within…condemnations, threatenings, blasphemies, and doubtings. By days end, I am weary and dejected. Feelings of despair, shame, and guilt lay heavy upon me all night long.
The life I have been called to is a life of war. A life in constant struggle to see Christ and His gospel at all moments. It’s often a losing battle. More times than not, Satan wins the day and my soul finds satisfaction in its victory of destruction of all hope held on by a thread.
Sin, more often than not, digs it’s bloody black claws into my flesh like a vulture and refuses to let go. I can feel its infection spread within my body. I fight to reject it, but it remains. I hate it.
But still, as I lay awake at night, my mind finds its way back to an empty tomb and a promise of a future hope. To be done with sin and to shed it’s remains and stench. To finally not have to struggle to see Christ. To be utterly devoid of hindarnace and condemnations of soul. To walk in a light that constantly envelopes and surrounds me.
I hope on Christ. I hope against hope…battered and bloodied as I may be from sins aggression and mercilessness. I still find that hole in the rock, that little space my soul can enter and cleave to.
I still find Christ, and He is most beautiful to me.
Still I stand…by grace.